Can't Win For Losing

I have been with the same man for a little over a year now. I say "been with" it a very loose sense of the word. We were ex's when we moved into together, we have both had relationships with other people while living together, but at the end of it, we always end back in bed together. We aren't dating, not because we don't think we belong together, but because not dating is the best way for us to function in the same house together. The guy is best friend. We spend everyday together. We sleep in the same bed. We wake up together. We have a arrangement that works. We do truly love each other. 

When we put the boyfriend/girlfriend label on, everything goes to shit. He seems to understand, I'm not property, as long as we are just friends. As soon as we start labeling it, he turns into this possessive asshole. And I turn into a soul sucking harpy (his words). I like my freedom. I like knowing I have to option to do whatever I want, because, I won't do it. If I know I have to option, chances are pretty good I'm going to opt to stay home with him. If someone starts telling me what I have to do, it doesn't go well. I will do it. Simply to prove I can. 

I've always been like that. 

I grew up in a very lenient household. Until I was 16 years old, and my mother remarried, I pretty much had free range to do whatever I wanted. When my mother married my step father, suddenly she became a stay at home mom. And suddenly, she decided that all of her control issue, needed to be brought into the house. It didn't go over well with me. It resulted in me moving out multiple times in the next two years, each time was an abysmal failure, and never lasted more then a couple months. But I kept doing it, until I finally succeeded. 

I've heard people say, the reason I have such a problem with any type of authority, is that I'm spoiled. And that may be true. For as long as I can remember, I've had my freedom. And since the time I was 12 years old, I've held a job. Anything I've wanted, I bought myself. I've been earning my own keep for 8 years. And unfortunately, during the last half of that time, I was also usually supporting someone else while doing so. 

These is the main place me and TheBoyfriendButNot seem to clash. For the first year that we have lived together, he has been unemployed. He lost his job barely a month into us moving in together. And I supported him. 

And I believe that degrades him. 

He is a Man's Man. He buys into the whole, Man of the House thing. And for over 9 months, he was the housewife, while I earned the income. He finally got a job. A very good paying job. And it's hopefully going to fix our financial woes. But unfortunately, he has the idea, that his job is more important then mine, or at least much harder. Now that he's working, he seems to expect me to fill the role of house care. And I admit, he does a horrible job of any kind of domestic activities, but I hardly see why I should be expected to clean up all the messes. I don't see why my one day off a week should be a cleaning, and his weekends off get to be funtime. 

But I see it as a pull of control. For almost a year, my word has been law. And there was a very little he could do about it, he was living on my dime. But the power has shifted, he wants it to be in his favor. This goes back to the original problem of why we aren't together. I don't let people tell me what to do. I don't let people tell me how to live my life. I'm willing to compromise, but I won't be forced. He thinks employment gives him that right. And it doesn't. 

Since the miracle of two incomes, he is starting to behave like he did when we were "dating" and he seems to think that him getting a job, will fix all the problems we had, and turn us into a happy little family. He has talked marriage, kids, a life together. No amount of telling him no, seems to phase him. TBBN is not my future. He's my present. And we work together now. He's my best friend, and my housemate. But he is not my Forever. And I had thought I had made that very clear. We are to similar in all the wrong ways, and we have nothing in common besides our bad qualities.

I won't say he abuses me, it's more we abuse each other. I grew up with an abusive father, I grew up with boys. I was taught at a very young age how to kick ass to protect myself. If I feel threatened, I defend myself, it how my brother raised me. I wasn't raised to take anyone's shit. I wasn't raised to be a peacekeeper. And I wasn't raised to allow anyone to raise a hand to me, without regretting it. When we fight, it gets violent. And it usually results in him being tossed out of the house.

The last fight we had, he said, "I'm sick of always losing, I never get to win." This is true, unfortunately for him, I'm smarter then him. Unfortunately for him, I don't know how to lose. And unfortunately for him, he usually is wrong.  

Why Being Broke, Sucks Major Dick

Warning: The Following Contains Large Amounts of Bitching, And Self-Pity

I'm sitting here at the very moment, looking a very large stack of bills, some stamped PastDue in the very angry format that truly, only people you owe large amounts of money can pull off, and next to that growing pile of terror, is a very sad, and dwindling stack of bills. I really, truly, am starting to wonder how it is I manage to pay almost one thousand dollars(i know, that isn't all that much) worth of bill, while only making 821 a month. The answer is written on those pesky Past Due notices, apparently, I don't. It's not like I don't work. Don't get me wrong here. I work the largest amount of hours I'm a allotted at my job. It's simply never enough. I'm not lazy, nor am I poor employee, I have been offered 3 raises in the last year, and I was given a promotion after only 3 months of employment. I work fast food. I love my job. But, a raise from 7.25 an hour, only goes up so far. 

And it's really starting to tear me down. I made a small fib in the beginning of this post. I do apologize, I will call it creative license, the stack of bill to be paid, is not sitting next, it's shoved in my desk, in the farthest back corner, and being ignored, because simply. If I look at it one more time, I may lose my mind. I don't understand how my life got like this. And there is nothing worse, then trying to figure out which would be harder to live without, electricity, or water, or maybe just the gas can go....To often do I make the decision that I can live off fries snatched off the fry bin at work, to avoid those pesky food costs. To often do I wonder, just how long can I keep my landlord waiting. And to often to sit at nearly three in the morning, knowing full well I have to be at work in less then six hours, rearranging small piles of money, trying to make them stretch over bilks, they simply don't cover. To often do I sit with a calender, trying to figure out if the my next check will come in time to beat the Shut Off dates, knowing it won't, and it wouldn't matter if I did.

This is what I work my ass of for. To be broke. To be scared. 

I look at the man in bed next to me, and I can feel the bitterness seep into my heart. He has no worries, and he has no stress. He works, when he feel like working, because he knows, somehow, I'll make the payments. He knows, month by month, I always do. He knows, the comfort of heat, of electricity, of water, will be there, because I'll make sure it is. I'll make sure he gets to eat. I'll make sure he will be comfortable. And I hate him for it. He doesn't care that it may come down to selling what little possessions I have, or what it costs my pride, because he is unaffected.

I can't do it anymore.

I simply can't.  

I Can't Relax With You Around

I can't let my guard, I'm sorry. I truly wish I could. I wish you come back here, and we could go back to exactly how we were. I wish I could be the same stupid girl that fell in love with you. I wish I could still believe you. 

I wish I could still believe IN you.

That is the worst part. I wish, more then anything, I could be comfortable trusting you. I wish I could still believe you're a good person. 

But I can't. Because you are not. 

And I"m not ever going to fool myself into believing that again. 

And that's not my fault. I gave you every chance in the world, and one by one you throw each of them aside. Each time you pushed me aside. 

I'm better then that. I'm better then you. 

You don't deserve my friendship. You don't deserve my trust. You don't deserve my patience anymore. And that's why it's gone. 

To The First Man That Broke My Heart

Dear Daniel,

You're never going to read this, and that makes it a whole of a lot easier to write. I suppose part of me wishes you would, I've got a lot of words written down you never read, and it saddens me that this will just be one more of them. But this isn't for you, it's for me. Always for me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to come down to this. I hate the fact that someone that I cared about so much, is no longer part of my life. I hate the fact I can't talk to you and tell you all this in person, I hate the fact you've made it this long, still mad at me. But more then any of that, I hate the fact I have no idea why. I hate that you explained nothing to me, as usual, and instead of getting to know, all you left me with was wonderment. You said you're good bye, and you did it on your terms. 

I've accepted I'll probably never know the whole story. I've accepted that somewhere on the line our friendship ceased to matter. It hurt, a lot, for a very long time. There were days that the thought of you coming back, and me being able to tell you to get the fuck out gave me intense pleasure. I never thought you'd make it this long. But as time passed, those days got fewer and farther between. You stopped mattering. I stopped thinking about you. And I stopped caring.

And then you were in my house. And that pissed me off, less what you said, although that was pretty fucked up, and less the fact that if I had known you were there, you would have been turned out. And more the fact, I was over you. I hadn't thought of you in a very long time, and you forced me too once again. You were here. In my home. The one place that was safe you. Safe from memories of you. And you invaded it. While I slept upstairs, you came into my home, unwelcome, uninvited, and unprovoked. I don't think you understand how angry that made me.

I don't understand what happened between us, but I have a pretty good idea. I told someone once, you sold your soul for a pair of DC's. And maybe a part of me still believes that. I'd like to say I don't see how you could turn your back on me, after everything, but that's a lie. I knew you could. A part of me always expected you too.

And thats what really sucked. 

My expectations of you were always to high in some cases, but sometimes, they were low enough to be accurate. 

You were the first man to take my heart, and I thought for a long time, that was the stupidest mistake I ever made. But it wasn't.

You taught me a lot Mr. Hillman, and you showed me things I never would have seen without you. I felt things no one else has been able to make me feel since (well, almost no one). I met people through you, that I adore, and I'm thrilled to have in my life. You hurt me. Repeatedly. But you made me stronger. 

You showed me a side of love that was dark. It was petty, it was mean, it was jealous, and it was scary. But you showed me the good side, too. It was you that convinced me that it was possible to truly love another person. It was you that taught me that giving everything to someone could be rewarding. And it was you that taught me that having your heart broken wasn't the end of the world. That you could heal. 

Without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. Without you, I'd probably still be a very bitter, very angry girl. And now, after all the stupid shit over the last few weeks, I can finally say these words I've wanted to for over year, you won't understand it, but someone will. Someday, is finally today.

But.

I'll always look fondly back on those memories, we shared a lot in those years, both good and bad, and I'll miss those days. I'll miss the way you could make me smile, even in my worst mood. And more then that, I'll miss the way you could make me cry. That's one thing that hasn't changed, no one can make me cry the way you could. And I'll miss you. Everything about you, even the way you could drive me insane without even meaning to. 

I just wanted to thank you. You made me a better person. You made me a stronger person. Regardless of everything, I love you for that. 

I've realized I deserve better then you could have given me, turns out you were right when you said that. And I wish I could tell you, if you're happy, I'm happy for you. You and Carrie, you kind of deserve each other, (take that as you will) and as always, I wish you the very best. I don't hold any hard feelings towards you, for once, I don't really hold any feelings towards you. I'm content.

I don't regret you, nor do I regret anything I've said to you. I've meant every word, just as I mean every word of this. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you, I never really, truly wanted to. And I'm sorry if anything I've said or done has caused you any harm. I didn't mean to.

I loved you, kid, probably to much. But I'm glad that's over now. I'm glad seeing a picture of you causes nothing to stir in my heart. I"m glad I can hear your name and feel nothing. I'm glad the only thought I have when I hear you'll be in town is, I should probably lock the doors. Just in case. 

I'm glad that these things don't make me sad. I'm glad the last tear for you has been shed and is long gone. It sucks that it took so long for that to happen. It sucks that so many people had to be hurt for me to realize what a complete idiot I was being. It sucks that I pushed aside some pretty good choices, for a chance to have you. But I'm surprised. You held a place in my heart no one can replace, and I'd never in a million years want them to. It's yours Forever&Always. But I'm not.

And more then anything else, I'm grateful you finally showed me that.

So thank you, Daniel. Thank you for the memories, thank you for the pain, thank you for the happiness, thank you for putting up with me for so long, and thank you for finally walking out of my life.

I appreciate everything you ever did for me. I appreciate everything you didn't do. I appreciate the lies, the truths, the ends, and that very first beginning. {Seamus!:)} 

You're truly amazing in your own way, and I do still believe, deep down, you are the beautiful person I tried to tell everyone you were, including you. And I hope you know that. I hope you wake up every morning and see yourself how I saw you every single day. You deserve the world. And I hope you get it. 

I'm in a better place now. I'm happy now. And part of that, is because of you. 

Good Luck, Daniel. 

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you for letting me love you.

Thank you for giving me the chance to look back now, and realize, I forgive you, for everything. 

Thank you.

Let's Be Strangers, Love

Ms. Boyle

I Stay.

When I stayed the first time, it was for him. And he left. When I stayed the second time, it was for stability. And it eludes me now. When I stayed the third time, it was because of fear of change. And things changed anyways.

And now, the fourth time comes, and I can choose, to stay or to go. And I choose to stay. But for what?

I stay for me. For my life, for what I want in it. And that's enough for me.